In the never-ending self-imposed task of trying to find and watch the worst films ever made, a friend and I lingered the other night over an entry in the Netflix library that the platform's algorithm knew to recommend to us, based no doubt on our viewing of Jason Statham movies and similar atrocities. 2017's American Assassin caught our eye, because it seemed such a late date for a film to appear that was seemingly so lacking in self-awareness or any higher aspirations. In this day and age, after all—despite the heckling Hollywood receives from people who rarely go to the movies—it is actually verging on rare to find a movie that relies exclusively on the most tired tropes imaginable, that does not in any way attempt to subvert expectations or stereotypes, that makes no move whatsoever to reverse conventional roles, make a larger point, or at least put its tongue mercifully in its cheek. American Assassin, therefore, in its very utter conventionality, was sui generis.
Observe: our film opens on a stretch of indifferent beach, where sunbathers loll on the sands and attractive young couples sport in the waves. A generic white guy approaches his blonde girlfriend with a camera. He pulls out a ring. "Will you marry me?" he asks. She smiles and sighs amidst happy tears, "Yes, yes I will marry you—" and then addresses him by both first and last name, because films have instructed us that this is how all people accept marriage proposals. Then, he leaves to go get drinks. Then, a bunch of terrorists storm the beach and slaughter various people for no reason, including his now-fiancée. Our main character is tormented by lifelong rage and a hunger for vengeance as a result. He trains in all the dark arts of espionage, combat, stealth, and murder. He is recruited by the U.S. government, who apparently long to work with a person of this description. We have our premise.